Another Year Older. Another Year Wiser?

I always find it a funny question when someone asks "did you have fun on your birthday?". Maybe I am the only person that feels this way. And maybe it has something to do with my age, I might have felt different in my early twenties...But to me, the greatest thing about your birthday is getting to spend it with the people you love most in the world. Friends and family. And really, it can't get any better than that.

I was never, and still am not the type of person who has one group of friends, you will never find all my friends in one place at one time, other than that one time a year everyone gets together to celebrate me. I often felt pangs of jealousy over those "groups" that spend every minute together. But as I've gotten older, I've learnt to appreciate the wide spread friends I have. I had made it a goal in the last year to try to shed some of people that weren't bringing positive things to my life, that were creating drama and bringing more negativity than good. I had moments where I felt like it was coming together, even after realizing I had to leave a few people behind, but the cool thing about that, is it allowed me to find new friends. And this year, my birthday made me realize just how amazing the people in my life are. 

It is kind of an amazing feeling when you can look at your close knit friends, the ones that have been there and continue to be there, the ones you call family and realize that they are some of the most inspirational people that anyone could ask to have in their life. My friends come from every walk of life, some of them have had everything handed to them on a silver spoon, while others have had to struggle and have seen more pain than any one person should. Some have lived through dark, scary days, have hit rock bottom and survived. Some have travelled the world and continue to do so. Some have chased their dreams and are starting to see the fruit of their labour. Some have lost their way, and are trying to find their path again. Some wear their heart on their sleeve, are always in love and always have broken hearts. Some are settling down. And some have followed their heart to the other side of the world.

The one common thread; each and every single one is unapologetically themselves, without exception. They never waiver. If you are new to the crowd, you will probably think we are all foul mouthed, promiscuous, slightly obnoxious, over-sharing  binge drinkers. And while maybe some of that is true. The thing is, we have no boundaries with each other, every thing is always left on the table. There are no secrets. There is nothing any one of us could say that would change our opinion of who we each really are. I have never felt so sure of the people in my life, and how they have my best interest at heart, always, no matter what. And yes, we have our ups and downs, but somehow we always find our way back to each other.

While my group of friends might not be everyone's cup of tea, I wouldn't trade any one of them. They all bring so much positivity and inspiration to my life in their own way, that I could never thank them enough for being in my life. 

So every year when we celebrate my birthday, and somehow without fail it always ends up being during one of the coldest weekends, during a snowstorm. Where it is too cold to wait in line-ups,\a and by the time we make it out every bar is at capacity and the nights plans never work out. And I am asked "did you have fun last night?" my answer will always be yes. 

Cupid Hates Me: The First Date

I check out my reflection in the window two doors down from the pub where I am meeting him. Did I smear my lipstick all over my face on the walk over here? I pull off the hood to my parka and walk through the door of the pub. Its darker inside, my eyes needs to adjust to the candlelight. It's packed so I'm scanning the room trying to find him without looking too obvious. What did his profile picture look like again? Beard. He had a beard....

Sitting at the pub, waiting. I have a seat next to the window so I can watch people walk in. I hope he's not already here and I just didn't see him. I check my phone again for a text... I look up and he's standing there, smiling. Here we go....

I'm late. Thankfully my roommate dropped me off (a block away!) and I'm walking up to a patio bar on Yonge and Eglinton. The patio is packed full of people, and I scan the crowd to see who is sitting alone. There he is; a seat by the entrance. Tall, lean and tattoos on his forearms. I walk up to him and smile....

Its warm out, I'm wearing cut offs and heels and I'm waiting outside the subway at Bay and Bloor. There is a rough looking elderly man with a limp walking towards me, saying something to me. My stomach sinks and I try not to panic. Is this who I am meeting?  He gets a little closer with his uneven swagger and I can hear now that he's just asking for change. I check my phone again and find out my date is actually a block away. I turn to the left and I see him walking towards me. He is looking at his phone and at me, expectantly. He's cuter in real life; a nice surprise! I walk towards him and introduce myself. He has a nice smile...



The First Date.

After you have gone on a few they all seem to follow the same pattern. Meeting up at a pub, restaurant or coffee shop, having a drink or two (or three or four) maybe something to eat. And then ultimately, through questions and conversation; trying to decide if you ever want to see that person again.  Sometimes, things that you would have never thought to be deal breakers become deal breakers. Sometimes things you never thought you'd like turn into things you can't stop thinking about. And it almost never turns out how you expected.

Of all the first dates that I have been on, only a few of them have been truly great. The same scene; a pub, some beers, conversation. But there is something that sets them apart. The way he looks at you when you're laughing. How he holds your hand after you leave one place and suggests another; as if its the most natural thing. The way he leans over the table to kiss you after a few beers when you're in the middle of telling a story.

And when you have had a first date like that, its hard not to compare them. You can pick the same bar, the same beer, but if that 'something' isn't there, you can't do too much about it. On a first date you know. You know if you're gonna like him and if you wanna kiss him. Sometimes you know within those first few moments, when he's walking towards you looking at his phone; his swagger; his haircut. Sometimes it takes a few beers and a few hours. But after the first date, when I'm not sure if I should ask for a second, it usually means I shouldn't. And that's part of the reason first dates are so effing rough. Those dudes are sitting across from you and trying to decide the exact same thing. Sometimes it seems impossible.

And then sometimes, when he has a nice smile and it turns out that he isn't the man asking you for spare change, you can be pleasantly surprised. And even though it feels like you've tried a hundred times, it just might be that date that sets the bar a little higher for the rest of them.

And so I keep going on first dates.