Cupid Hates Me....... .....Great Expectations

I have a basic rule that I try to follow when online dating. 

Don't chat too much with the 'new guy' before the first date. 

Why? Because chatting, texting, emailing, and Instagram stalking lead to one thing that can only hurt you on your first date. Expectations. 

Alot of people say to me - but what if he's a creeper? You should message for a while to get to know him. 

First: if he's a creeper, he's not going to tell me over an email. 

Second: I do pre-screen! I check out profiles, and messages and send a FEW back and forth. I usually have a decent idea that they are safe enough for me to meet in real life. 

Third: If he does turn out to be a creepy dude, I have to sit through one drink at the maximum. At a well lit establishment. He isn't picking me up at my front door!!

And what is so wrong with having expectations?

Let me tell you -- EVERYTHING. 

And its the most difficult thing to avoid. 

Trying to manage your expectations is the KEY to online dating. If you can go into a date with the idea in mind that your headed to a simple evening of beers and conversation with nothing at stake...then you're golden. The more you talk to someone, and develop an idea in your head about who they are and what they are all about.... the tougher that becomes. 

I made this rookie mistake about a year ago. I started talking to a guy - messaging each other long, descriptive messages about our lives, what we were interested in and so on... we exchanged phone numbers and started texting. Things were going well! We made a date to get together within a week. For one reason or another we had to reschedule, and we weren't able to meet up for another week after. 

But we continued texting and chatting.... He asked me about what celebrity or movie star would best represent me. This is a DANGEROUS QUESTION. DON'T ASK IT. I said that my friends often compare me to Jess from New Girl, played by Zooey Deschanel, which is true. I have big geeky glasses, wavy dark hair and I can't help but sing to every song that comes on the radio. I can be cheesy and annoying. 

Of course I asked the same question in return. He answered Paul Rudd. 

I LOVE PAUL RUDD. He's funny, he's cute, he could be the father of my future children. 

I couldn't help but be excited to meet this guy. We made plans to go out, and they were above and beyond the usual 'beers at a pub' that I usually prefer. We made plans to meet for an actual dinner at Pizzeria Libretto on the Danforth and drinks at The Only Cafe afterwards. I walked up to Libretto with a stomach full of butterflies. And then I saw him, patiently waiting at the entrance, nervously checking his phone. And instantly I knew...This wasn't going to work. Paul Rudd was actually Paul Dudd.  (See? Terrible, cheesy humor)


There was nothing wrong with him, he looked like his pictures; a hipster-ish dude in a cardigan. I love geek-chic and tend to dress that way myself. This guy didn't have the necessary swagger and looked more like Mr.Rogers than Joseph Gorden Levitt (sigh).

We went for dinner, and I tried to find the chemistry; the connection that I had felt through our earlier conversations. It just wasn't there. And then he insisted on paying for dinner. And drinks. We had decent conversation and a shared love for all things Game of Thrones. I felt like we could be friends... 

When he asked for a second date and I said that I'd be happy to hang out in a non-romantic type of way. He never messaged me back. And then I felt terrible. 

And so from then on I gave myself the #1 Rule of quick and dirty beers for first dates and as close to zero expectations as possible. This has resulted in a lot more first dates! Lots of beer and some very interesting conversations. There still haven't been a lot of second dates; but I feel more confident managing my expectations. (And their expectations; I know I'm not Zooey and I don't want people to think I am!)

And I've stuck to that rule pretty closely for a good year. 

And for the past three weeks I've been breaking it. 

Talking, Chatting, Phone calls and Instagram Stalking.... a dude that has been out of town for a few months working on contract and is coming home in a week... 

And managing my expectations is impossible. 

Am I setting myself up for another Lunch Bag Letdown?

I guess in a few days I'll find out..... 

Cupid Please Play Nice

I did it. I caved....
I joined the online dating world.

I'm still torn on how I feel about the whole thing. I like to read people first, pick up on their energy. That, and I have a terrible time holding a conversation with someone I have no interest in. If we have zero chemistry, I have about zero patience for you.

My general thoughts of the people on the site since I signed up 2 weeks ago have been pretty consistently as follows:

1. You like comic books and Star Wars.
2. All of your photos are terrible. Learn what a decent photo of yourself looks like
3. Group shots are stupid. I have NO idea who you are.
4. You take yourself WAY too seriously. How long did it actually take you to fill out your profile?
5. You are a nerd
6. Contrary to popular belief, that photo of you and a small child is not adorable. It makes me want to run for the hills. Maybe it's just me, but I'm not looking to be called mommy any time soon. So unless it is well captioned with exactly whose child it is, and it's not your own, please know I will be skipping over your profile immediately.
7. Your life is too busy to actually go out and meet somebody?! Lets be honest, we are all busy, lame excuse. Truth is once you hit your late 20's meeting new people sucks and it's hard!
8. Please come up with a better introduction than "Hi" or "Hey gorgeous"
9. If you can't hold a semi interesting conversation with me, why in the world would I ever want to meet you in person?
10. Oh look you have abs, thanks for that selfie of you lifting your shirt
11. You are either pictured with, or have listed in your profile at least one of the following - a beard, tattoo's, decent style, an instrument/musician, or you travel. You have peaked my interest. Let's be honest, my expectations are not that high.
12. An actual cute photo - oh wait you are 24. Seriously, what is with all the hot 24 year olds?! Someone please save me before I become a permanent cougar

Despite my overt judgement, I have survived my first date from the site. And no he was not an awful person. His profile had good photos, he was attractive and held a good conversation. My hopes were high that maybe there are some decent guys on dating sites. We met, he looked just like his pictures, and spoke just like his messages. The thing I forget about though is expectation. You start to form a picture in your head of what this person is really like. And expectation ruins everything. You can't prepare yourself for a persons energy, or their mannerisms. How someone carries themselves, how they interact with you, their body language... For me, these things are easy deal breakers. Mannerisms can either drive me nuts, or make the person more attractive. And chemistry is obvious, but for that to happen you have to meet the person. And almost immediately you know if there is chemistry, but it's impossible to know online. Its a tough balance. But you never know unless you try.

Another Year Older. Another Year Wiser?

I always find it a funny question when someone asks "did you have fun on your birthday?". Maybe I am the only person that feels this way. And maybe it has something to do with my age, I might have felt different in my early twenties...But to me, the greatest thing about your birthday is getting to spend it with the people you love most in the world. Friends and family. And really, it can't get any better than that.

I was never, and still am not the type of person who has one group of friends, you will never find all my friends in one place at one time, other than that one time a year everyone gets together to celebrate me. I often felt pangs of jealousy over those "groups" that spend every minute together. But as I've gotten older, I've learnt to appreciate the wide spread friends I have. I had made it a goal in the last year to try to shed some of people that weren't bringing positive things to my life, that were creating drama and bringing more negativity than good. I had moments where I felt like it was coming together, even after realizing I had to leave a few people behind, but the cool thing about that, is it allowed me to find new friends. And this year, my birthday made me realize just how amazing the people in my life are. 

It is kind of an amazing feeling when you can look at your close knit friends, the ones that have been there and continue to be there, the ones you call family and realize that they are some of the most inspirational people that anyone could ask to have in their life. My friends come from every walk of life, some of them have had everything handed to them on a silver spoon, while others have had to struggle and have seen more pain than any one person should. Some have lived through dark, scary days, have hit rock bottom and survived. Some have travelled the world and continue to do so. Some have chased their dreams and are starting to see the fruit of their labour. Some have lost their way, and are trying to find their path again. Some wear their heart on their sleeve, are always in love and always have broken hearts. Some are settling down. And some have followed their heart to the other side of the world.

The one common thread; each and every single one is unapologetically themselves, without exception. They never waiver. If you are new to the crowd, you will probably think we are all foul mouthed, promiscuous, slightly obnoxious, over-sharing  binge drinkers. And while maybe some of that is true. The thing is, we have no boundaries with each other, every thing is always left on the table. There are no secrets. There is nothing any one of us could say that would change our opinion of who we each really are. I have never felt so sure of the people in my life, and how they have my best interest at heart, always, no matter what. And yes, we have our ups and downs, but somehow we always find our way back to each other.

While my group of friends might not be everyone's cup of tea, I wouldn't trade any one of them. They all bring so much positivity and inspiration to my life in their own way, that I could never thank them enough for being in my life. 

So every year when we celebrate my birthday, and somehow without fail it always ends up being during one of the coldest weekends, during a snowstorm. Where it is too cold to wait in line-ups,\a and by the time we make it out every bar is at capacity and the nights plans never work out. And I am asked "did you have fun last night?" my answer will always be yes. 

Cupid Hates Me: The First Date

I check out my reflection in the window two doors down from the pub where I am meeting him. Did I smear my lipstick all over my face on the walk over here? I pull off the hood to my parka and walk through the door of the pub. Its darker inside, my eyes needs to adjust to the candlelight. It's packed so I'm scanning the room trying to find him without looking too obvious. What did his profile picture look like again? Beard. He had a beard....

Sitting at the pub, waiting. I have a seat next to the window so I can watch people walk in. I hope he's not already here and I just didn't see him. I check my phone again for a text... I look up and he's standing there, smiling. Here we go....

I'm late. Thankfully my roommate dropped me off (a block away!) and I'm walking up to a patio bar on Yonge and Eglinton. The patio is packed full of people, and I scan the crowd to see who is sitting alone. There he is; a seat by the entrance. Tall, lean and tattoos on his forearms. I walk up to him and smile....

Its warm out, I'm wearing cut offs and heels and I'm waiting outside the subway at Bay and Bloor. There is a rough looking elderly man with a limp walking towards me, saying something to me. My stomach sinks and I try not to panic. Is this who I am meeting?  He gets a little closer with his uneven swagger and I can hear now that he's just asking for change. I check my phone again and find out my date is actually a block away. I turn to the left and I see him walking towards me. He is looking at his phone and at me, expectantly. He's cuter in real life; a nice surprise! I walk towards him and introduce myself. He has a nice smile...



The First Date.

After you have gone on a few they all seem to follow the same pattern. Meeting up at a pub, restaurant or coffee shop, having a drink or two (or three or four) maybe something to eat. And then ultimately, through questions and conversation; trying to decide if you ever want to see that person again.  Sometimes, things that you would have never thought to be deal breakers become deal breakers. Sometimes things you never thought you'd like turn into things you can't stop thinking about. And it almost never turns out how you expected.

Of all the first dates that I have been on, only a few of them have been truly great. The same scene; a pub, some beers, conversation. But there is something that sets them apart. The way he looks at you when you're laughing. How he holds your hand after you leave one place and suggests another; as if its the most natural thing. The way he leans over the table to kiss you after a few beers when you're in the middle of telling a story.

And when you have had a first date like that, its hard not to compare them. You can pick the same bar, the same beer, but if that 'something' isn't there, you can't do too much about it. On a first date you know. You know if you're gonna like him and if you wanna kiss him. Sometimes you know within those first few moments, when he's walking towards you looking at his phone; his swagger; his haircut. Sometimes it takes a few beers and a few hours. But after the first date, when I'm not sure if I should ask for a second, it usually means I shouldn't. And that's part of the reason first dates are so effing rough. Those dudes are sitting across from you and trying to decide the exact same thing. Sometimes it seems impossible.

And then sometimes, when he has a nice smile and it turns out that he isn't the man asking you for spare change, you can be pleasantly surprised. And even though it feels like you've tried a hundred times, it just might be that date that sets the bar a little higher for the rest of them.

And so I keep going on first dates.

10 Days....and Broken Resolutions.

All it took was 10 days...

10 days. 1 phone call and the offer of 1 drink.

New Years Resolution number 1 broken.

You would think at this point in my life I would know better, maybe be a little more clear minded and have stopped making the same mistakes again and again. But how does anyone say no to that good looking bad boy?  Every logical bone in my body screams it's a bad idea. I know better, I've been down this road already, but before I knew it I had agreed to a drink. 1 drink. Harmless... Right.

One drink is never really one drink. We all know that, or at least in my world we do. This night, that one drink turned into a knock at my door. And when there is history involved, inviting someone in is always a bad idea. Unless it's the best decision, for all the wrong reasons. And that is usually the way these nights play out. Natural and easy, falling into a rhythm that's all too familiar. Before I knew it there was a hand on my leg and suddenly all that logic I thought I had seemed to slip away too fast.

I had already decided forever and a day ago that this person is bad news in my life, and long ago decided to move on. But why is it that moving on is still so hard? That writing someone out of my life, for good, is far more of a challenge than I would ever like to admit? Because, in the midst of all those shitty things that person put me through, we had a connection. We had fun. We laughed. We had attraction. We had moments. We have memories. And those things are far harder for the heart to let go of, than what my head long ago already figured out.

That, and I am a firm believer of 'you always want what you can't have'. And I will always want the tattooed, handsome, charming bad boy. ALWAYS. You tend to forget the bad, and always remember the good. But reality tends to come crashing back faster than you expected. And all those reasons you decided it was time to move on become even more apparent. And for those momentary nights when you seem to forget, and all you see is that cute boy in front of you....you always have your girlfriends to talk some sense into you....and thank goodness for that.


-C

Cupid Hates Me

One half of the blogging team that fights the Girl Fight is an online dater.


It's true.


That online dater is me.

Two years ago I moved from a small city to the great metropolis of Toronto. As I'm sure everyone has; I heard so many success stories about dating online and figured that with the right mindset, zero expectations and the ability to laugh about it afterwards, I had nothing to lose.

So here I am now, an online dating veteran (A year and a half and I still have a live profile) and what I have to show for it are a few scars on my heart and some seriously entertaining stories.

My profile is with OkCupid; chosen because its completely free and has the best selection of cute Toronto boys (I suppose they are men, but I can't help but refer to them as 'boys') I had previously been a member of match.com and perused Plenty of Fish without setting up an account, and OkCupid has the cutest boys in comparison hands down.

I'm going to chronicle the good, bad and the just plain uncomfortable and hilarious dating escapades through my entries of "Cupid Hates Me"....


 I'll try to post regularly... One of my resolutions this year is to Stop Recycling Boys, and the only way to do that is to meet new ones! So I will be dating as much as possible to distract myself from the old... and hopefully find someone new to get all hung up on.

- kj

New Year. New Fights

 

Yes; they are generally broken within a few weeks and are often feeble attempts at making us feel better about the year gone by and all the questionable decisions we made with our money, time and hearts. But, as we have entered this new year with renewed enthusiasm, we are setting resolutions in an attempt to break some of the bad habits we kept falling back on through 2013. The goal, ultimately, is to keep moving forward, to stop looking back...and, perhaps, we will come out of the year with a few less scars and bruises than the one before.



The Girl Fight's Resolutions

1. Stop Recycling Boys.

2. Live more like a grown up.

3. Get a Tattoo (scar tissue of the best kind!)

4. Go on more adventures.

5. Be Smart(er) about Money  (because lets face it, we'll never be smart about it)

6. Be Creative Everyday!

7. Be more of a tourist in this amazing city we live in.

8. Find our dream jobs. Or at least figure out what our dream jobs might be.

Well...it was a good thought anyway...here's to more laughter and love.

Cheers to 2014!!

The Girl Fight

Kwaku Kufuor Photography
 www.kwakukufuor.net

Do you like cute boys with beards and tattoos?

Do you read teen novels on your Kobo and you're almost 30?

Did everything turn out not even remotely close to how you thought it would?



Do you spend most of your paycheck on clothes and beer?
 
Are you a daydream believer?



Is your closet in a constant state of a 'tornado just hit it'?

Are your girlfriends the best people in the world?

Do you fall for the wrong guy. EVERY SINGLE TIME....?



Would you rather buy a pair of shoes than get decent groceries?

Do you live in the best city in the world and constantly discover its greatness over and over?

Is there a guy in your past that keeps you hanging on when you knew a year ago it was time to let him go?


Do you want to see the world but are always too broke to get anywhere?

Does turning thirty scare the shit out of you?

Are you always looking for adventure?



Do you fight the Girl Fight?

               

  'Cause we do.